For All The Things That You're Alive To Feel
by breakingatthecracks
Summary: Dani is brave and sweet. She's everything Santana wants in a partner—and that's about the most heart-breaking thing about this. (Dantana)


_.I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close  
__But I've been there before_

.

"Hey," Dani greets you as she lets herself in the apartment three months after that little date-slash-walk you had.

You've given her a key to the apartment—with Rachel and Kurt's approval, of course—and she accepts it, feeling glad that you trust her in that level.

"Hey," you greet her back. You smile at her, taking in the sight of her.

She's gorgeous and confident—and that's why you like her.

She places her coat on the couch before she walks toward you smiling sweetly and genuinely. There's a pang of guilt that shoots right at the pit of your stomach.

You think your smile should reach your eyes, too but it doesn't.

You return her smile nonetheless.

.

You remember your first date.

She takes you to the rooftop of the apartment she's staying in. There are string lights and there's wine, and a couch set up by the edge of the rooftop. It overlooks about half of the neighborhood.

The building is quite tall so the view isn't that bad. You both sit there with her arm around your shoulders, gazing at the steady and flickering lights from the nearby buildings that surround you. It's calm and serene unlike the kind of life you experience everyday.

It's a refreshing break from all the chaos.

It's a break you accept wholeheartedly.

You know you shouldn't think of Dani that way—a break, a pause. She should be something more permanent that that. But you really don't have that much control over your brain these days—or your heart.

You push it to your subconscious as often as possible.

You welcome her wholeheartedly nonetheless because Dani is a refreshing break from all the pain and the suffering of being alone.

And for the most part, a _refreshing break _is all you really can handle.

.

Another three months later, she tells you she loves you.

"I love you," she says as she walks you to your door. You search her eyes for any hint of uncertainty but you don't find any. She's sure she loves you and you've felt it everyday ever since the very first date.

You know she's going to say it eventually.

You dread that you're gonna have to say it back.

You smile at her more because it really makes you smile. The thought that someone loves you makes you smile, even more so because it's someone as sincere as Dani. "I love you, too," you tell her.

She smiles back but you know something's wrong.

At the back of your mind, you fear she does not believe you.

"I love you," you repeat as you kiss her. She kisses you back the way she always does.

But this one feels different.

It feels like the beginning of the end.

And you know she knows it, too.

.

"Do you love her?" Rachel asks you, biting down on her lip because she probably knows the answer.

"Yes," you say.

It's not entirely a lie.

It's a half-truth because you _love _Dani.

She brings you breakfast and stays up for a couple of hours when your shifts aren't the same. She sings you songs to make you feel better on a bad day. She dances in that silly way of hers to make you laugh. She holds your hand and never lets it go until you're the one to pull away.

She hugs you like she's been doing it all her life and never once did she break the hug first.

It's always been you who recoils. It's mostly because of guilt.

You answer _yes _to Rachel's question nonetheless because how could someone _not _love Dani?

Dani is brave and sweet. She's everything you want in a partner—and that's about the most heart-breaking thing about this.

You love her—maybe not as much as you planned but you love her.

.

The shoe finally drops one day.

"I feel like I don't know you anymore, Santana," Dani tells you randomly one night.

You freeze but you're not completely shocked. You know this day is bound to come.

The movie you're both watching is completely forgotten now.

_It's time._

"I'm sorry," you say. You're not sure what you're apologizing for but you say it anyway because you can't have it in you to deny any accusation.

Your relationship has been okay for almost a year now. No real, deep-rooted fights, just petty ones—like that one time you forgot what her favorite milkshake flavor was. You are each other's plus-ones. You dedicate songs to each other on karaoke nights. She made you a mixtape and you learned to cook her favorite meal.

It's been okay.

And steady.

And just okay.

Maybe, that's the reason it's not working.

The fire has long cooled.

You know she feels it, too.

You know one has got to say something eventually. You want her to walk away first. You want her to be the one to concede.

You know about the pain of being left behind and that's not something you want Dani to feel.

"Do you need time to figure it out?" she asks.

You're both talking without saying _it _out loud. It's not fear of knowing what's there.

It's the fear of knowing it's been there all along.

"No," you say, blankly staring at the TV screen.

Then, there's silence. She sits up as she rubs her palms on her jeans.

You look at her and even in broken presence, Dani still looks stunning. You think her eyes are beautiful but her smile is your favorite thing about her. Something about it lights a room up, like it belongs to a place far better and bigger.

You haven't seen that smile for a while now.

And that's why you know that the better and bigger place?

It's not anywhere near you.

"I meant it, you know?" she says, her voice wobbles.

It almost breaks you apart, too.

"I meant it when I said I love you," she continues to say, looking everywhere around but you.

"Me too," you say.

"I thought I could go on acting like I don't see it," she says. She clenches her hand but it still shakes nonetheless. "I thought I could go on acting like I don't see you're unhappy."

"I'm happy, Dani."

"No, you're not, Santana," she says with a teary chuckle. "You're okay but you're not as happy as you should be."

You only swallow your response.

"We both aren't."

You chance a look at her. "I don't want to see you get hurt."

She smiles the saddest you've seen her and says, "Close your eyes."

You feel tears brim in your eyes. This is not how you saw it ending—but you always knew it's going to end nevertheless. It's expected but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

You turn to her and she's looking at you. Her tears are threatening to rush out any time.

"Close your eyes," she repeats and you obey.

You close your eyes, tears finally spilling out.

"Now say it," she tells you. Her voice is frail and it sounds unlike anything you've heard before. She's always been the stronger, more confident one. But today is an exception, she doesn't throw things or cry hysterically but her voice says it all. "You won't see me get hurt."

And maybe it's better that way.

"I don't know what's wrong with us, Dani," you confess with a shaky breath. You swallow audibly, pain screeching through your entire being, "It—it's good but it's not—"

"Not good enough," she finishes for you, taking the pressure off your shoulders—simplifying what's complicated, saying what's needed to be said.

You don't nod or say anything to agree but you know she gets it.

"I don't even know what or how I want my life to be. I can't figure _me _out," you admit because that's true. "And I don't know where _us _goes from here."

"Most of us haven't figured it out," you hear her say.

"You deserve better, Dani—someone who makes you smile the way I used to."

And maybe it really is true.

_Some forms of love fade. The fire cools. The spark dies._

_It's only just a matter of when._

She's silent again and you fight the urge to open your eyes.

"You're one of the most fascinating people I've met in my life, Santana. Just remember that whether you have yourself figured out or not, I love you, and all the little quirks about you," even just in her words, you can feel her pain—and love, and sincerity.

Perhaps it's stupid—to let go of something wonderful in exchange for something that feels more real. But the world is huge and there are two people out there waiting for each of you, waiting to make you feel that feeling everyone's talking about—the one feeling some people spend their whole lives waiting for.

It's the very same feeling you know you won't find in each other.

Dani lets out a teary chuckle before you hear her stand up from the couch. She kisses you on the cheek, a kiss that lingers for a moment. You feel her tears on your face and you fight the urge to pull her in to hug her. You know that if you do, you will not be able to let her go—and then you'll be lost in circles again.

_Dani and Santana's time is up._

She leaves the apartment.

It's painful and it burns in such a way you've never been burned before. Part of it is guilt, the other is just the excruciating realization that you've lost another person who cares for you.

And no matter where your head's at, that's always something agonizing.

.

Dani quits the diner job the very next day. She doesn't show up or call or text you after that. It takes about two weeks for her to swing by the apartment.

"I just came by to say goodbye."

You knew it was coming.

"Where are you going?"

She smiles sadly, "Away from here."

You only nod because you understand.

"I also came by to tell you about the tattoo."

"What?" you ask her as you look at her curiously.

She gives you a smile as she lifts her right arm. You see the flock of birds tattooed on it. You remember asking her about it once and you also remember her not answering the question.

"The tattoo reminds me to _always _fly, to not stay in places I'm not welcome."

You stare at the tattoo. It's beautiful, you think. Maybe, you'll get one, too someday.

"It's funny because when I think about you, I can only think about how I wanted to stay here. Out of the many places I've been, this is where I've had the desire to really be in. Most of that is because of you. So, I guess I should thank you for that."

"For what?"

"For making this feel like a place I belong to, even just for a while."

It warms you up.

But it also hurts and stings.

She smiles at you but that smile is broken. You'll probably never get to see the smile you so loved on her—that one she reserves for you.

She kisses your forehead and you close your eyes, trying to remember the feeling of her close to you. You don't know if anyone will love you as much as she did, so you try to remember her and the way she was.

"When the time comes that you've figured it out and it's not too late for us, I promise it'd be easy to find me."

You nod, letting your tears go.

You hug briefly and then she turns to go with her guitar. She wordlessly walks out of your life pretty much the same way she came sauntering in.

One reason for your tears is guilt; the other reason is apology—an apology for not loving her as much as you were supposed to.

You stare at her as she exits the apartment, disappearing to the cold streets of the city.

Dani was brave and sweet. She's everything you ever wanted in a partner—and that's about the most heart-breaking thing about it.

She was everything you ever wanted.

But deep down you knew she wasn't what you needed.


End file.
